Learning to Live

Earlier this week, Mary Beth Chapman came and visited the company I work for and had an author signing for her new book. I hated that I didn't get to go see her live because I clearly remember where I was in my car the morning I heard about their daughter's death in 2008. I've followed Steven Curtis Chapman's music since I became a Christian in 1999 so hearing about thier family's loss brought me to tears.
One of my co-workers that did attend the event laid Mary Beth's book on my desk and insisted I read it first. The book isn't just about the tragedy of losing Maria but Mary Beth's life up to this point. One of the first things you learn about me is I love learning about people. I don't just want to hear you're doing "fine", I want to know what you had for breakfast.
And if it was good.
And if it gave you indigestion.
You know - TMI type details.

I know. I'm strange.

So, opening this book and reading non-stop to Chapter 21 (of 41) was not at all hard. I did, however, have a box of Kleenex next to me the entire time (thanks Danny) because there were parts of the book where I cried so hard I ached. I ached for Mary Beth, Steven Curtis and their family. What I pulled away most from this book was the amazing faith that their family has. They lean so hard on Jesus and not to what they see in front of them. It made me take a hard look at myself to see - that I don't. I don't have that no-holds-bar-go-thru-any-crisis faith. I have that omg-what-just-happened-how-are-we-gonna-survive faith. Which, as we all know, isn't "faith".
Now - I believe in Christ. Reading this book I had the very real thought pass thru my mind of "How could anyone not believe in God after this". There is not a doubt in my being that He is real, and He is in my life, and He knew the words I was going to put in this blog before the beginning of time. I know you may not agree, but it is my belief. I kept thinking - as hard as Mary Beth fought, she never walked away from God. She never threw in the towel. She wanted to - she thought about it - but she isn't. She's Choosing to SEE. She's honoring her daughter, pressing forward, "picking herself (and her family) up by the bootstraps", and living her faith outloud.

I have had such a rough time with Caitlin recently. I am ashamed to put into words the fact that Caitlin is in counseling. I know that isn't anything to be ashamed of but my shame comes from the fact that she needs it. I feel like a failure. That choices in my life and in her father's life have left her in a position to need this type of treatment. I want to protect my little girl from all things that will bruise her tender heart and I can't. Luckily, I do have her with someone that can teach her how to handle her very strong (crazy like her mama) emotions. She loves hard, has to be heard and understood - and needs to understand - everything. We all know that in life, those things don't always happen. Shoot, in our faith walk - those things rarely happen! We rationalize and attempt to understand an unfathomable God with our feeble minds and get angry when we can't (Isaiah 55:8-9, Job 38:18). Who CAN wrap their minds around "infinity"? We can't. That's why we say "It goes on forever"...because we can't get there mentally. And we never will.
But that doesn't stop us from trying to understand it all with a mind that wasn't built to do so. I've found myself looking at my kids a lot. Our schedule (just this week) has looked like this:
Monday - softball practice (5:30-7:30), grocery store
Tuesday - softball game
Wednesday - night w/all 4 kids (Riley & Danny fever)
Thursday - two double headers (4 total games), Cat counseling (didn't get home until 10pm!!), fish funeral, home work, showers, bed at 10:45
Today - Danny home w/strep throat

This doesn't include laundry, work, school, and the two (7:30a-5:45p) training classes Danny had to take Tues/Wed of this week, getting Riley's football cleats, etc, etc, etc! I know we're all busy so this isn't a surprise to most folks. I'm not complaining (though it really sounds like it) but I am saying I've used this time to focus on the "event" and not the "time". The time I had with my kids during these moments. I run like a machine - "let's get this done. When we're done, there is more to do" so I often times miss the "joy" that is to be found when you.... "Choose to SEE". It's so hard to run yourself ragged and then try to find time to "enjoy" the life that you're living. But you HAVE to make a point to do so or your life passes you by. My mom told me that when your kids start school, you blink and they're graduating. She was so very right. Caitlin and Riley are in 5th grade. Michiah is in 4th. Molly is in 2nd. We are going thru and "doing life" everyday of the week. We can't set aside special times to enjoy it - we have to enjoy every minute! Because it is fleeting! Our life IS now... it's not "this weekend when things calm down". .
It's how I react in the morning when my daughter shows me a half rainbow in the sky and we take a minute to remember the meaning behind it.
It's hugging them each night, kissing their face, and telling them how much they mean to me before bed.
It's listening to insane stories about Justin Bieber, boys, girls, drama, and homework and giving them my time, instead of my "Uh-huh"s.
It's sitting in the yard watching them play with every child in our neighborhood hanging from the playland in our back yard instead of watching thru the kitchen window.
It's life. And it's now. And it's what I'm suppose to be doing.

My friend Michella posted an obituary on Facebook earlier this week that just floored me. It was by-far the COOLEST one I ever read. I read it and thought - man, I want mine to be like that (have you ever envied an obituary?!). After which, I read Mary Beth's book and I could feel the nudging of the Lord and all the emotions flooding in about how to do my life right. About how to focus and see what's before me and not what's next to come. It's making messes and playing on their level without worrying about how long it's going to take me to clean it up. Because it can all be gone in a moment, without my permission.
And, the biggest thing for me, was how I've got to do a better job of showing them the love of Christ. I need to do a better job of showing EVERYONE that, but mostly the ones that are in my charge. One thing Mary Beth mentioned was when we stand before the Lord, all the crap you care about (softball, being on time, work, school, a perfectly clean house, do I look okay? I need to lose some weight...) He wont. He wants to know how many lives you've touched for Him. How much love you've shown, in His name. How many times you gave grace instead of condemnation. And if I met the fate of that precious (and obviously super-awesome) teacher in the obituary, would I be able to say to my Creator - I did those things. Would I hear "Well done"... or would I just hear "Girl, I didn't think you were gonna make it!" (not that the One who made all the universe speaks with slang but you get the picture.)

Reading this book was hard. I got a glimpse into the lives of the Chapmans and it was tough to see their deep loss. It was, however, inspirational to experience their amazing faith and peace that passes all understanding. Taking a mirror and holding it to my own life to see where I need to improve is harder. I don't do well with change. I'm complacent and I like things the way I like them. I'm hard-headed, scheduled, and I get down-right moody when things don't go the way I planned. I can see so clearly that I have a huge charge on my life. A challenge to impact 4 lives with all my heart and soul - and then move beyond and impact as many more as I can in a positive light.

I know I've gotten a bit wordy on this post (I haven't posted in a while, bare with me) but just one more (random) thing. I'm going to ask you to pray for someone. There is a pastor in Nashville by the name of Blake Bergstrom. He's climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro to raise money for a lady (and her daughters) in his congregation that lost all they had in the flood. Please lift him up during this journey and, should you see fit, consider giving to this cause.

Thanks! =).
Until then...