Galatians 5

Have you ever had all you “knew” turned on its ear? I was raised (from age 5-12ish) in a church that was later acclaimed an occult. Though a lot of it was whack – it did instill a knowledge of Jesus at an early age. My mom could quote more scripture and actually understand the KJV – better than most pastors I know. This, to me, was quite impressive.

I will say though, that my love for the Lord was a skewed version of who HE is. I thought of Him as the big rule-book in the sky. As in:

“I died for you, so you have to be perfect, like I’m perfect. But, you can’t be perfect (instant failure… and for a perfectionist like me, guilt was heavy in my young Christian life) so you are destined to live a life of constant chastising. So let it be written, so let it be done – I am the Lord.”

I always felt guilty because I couldn’t measure up. I knew God was never “really” proud of me. Sure, He loved me… but He didn’t love me as much as His other kids that did everything right (Hello… Billy Graham).

I wasn’t brought up on “grace”. If you sinned, you were punished. Yet – we didn’t know how to “not” sin. Thus, you were always punished.

You get the picture.

Fast forward to my 17th year of life. My parents were divorced, my father died of colon cancer, and I was pregnant. Whew. I became a “born-again Christian” shortly before I discovered that I was caring another person inside my stomach. I cried for days on end and accepted the forgiveness that I so needed in my late teen years. After all, being as wild as I possibly could from 15-17 led me to a life I wasn’t looking forward to living on a daily basis, and my wrists held the proof of that. So knowing that I had another chance with the Lord was incredible. At least I knew if I died giving birth, I would be going to heaven. I was baptized while pregnant with Caitlin so I knew I was good there, too. Salvation – check. Baptism – check. Holy spirit – check. I was well on my way. I read my bible daily, read many devotionals, “The Excellent Wife” book, more marriage books than I could count, I was at church EVERY time the doors were open, I didn’t cuss, I fasted/prayed regularly, was on the worship team, was an assistant youth pastor (twice), and though it wasn’t the KJV – I was on my way to quoting as many scriptures as my mother. I knew about every other religion outside of “mine” (which was perfect) and would regularly scold and guilt my family who didn’t live the way that I did.

My ex-husband’s parents were ministers. I felt like God had placed me in a family that could finally teach me how to be perfect. Seeing as how we stopped going to the church of my childhood because my mother was a smoker – I thought, I’ll follow all the rules & do it right this time. I’ll earn this salvation come hell or high-water. I was taught that if you REALLY followed the Lord, if you were a TRUE Christian, you wouldn’t struggle with things because Jesus would take over your body (like a master puppeteer) and live for you. It would be easy not to drink, lie, speak ugly, or think bad thoughts.

Soon, my own “human” struggles set in …and ironically, smoking was one of them! Divorce loomed in the distance and before I knew it – there I was. Twenty-five years old, high school dropout (I got my GED though), mother of 2… alone in the world yet again. Of course God was angry with me because I walked out on my husband. He clearly says He hates divorce

and yet – I was in the midst. I had no idea how I was going to get back to Him. I was convinced that this time, my walking away meant that I was cast out.

Fast forward (one more time) to today.

I am nearly 30 years old. I am re-married and have FOUR children to care for. My relationship with my Creator has led me to a lot of places. Mostly – thinking that I’m a big disaster that can’t get it right. And you know, it’s true. I am. I CAN”T get it right. The difference between 17 year old Amber and 29 year old Amber is – I’m okay with that now. My relationship with my God has changed a bit. It’s certainly not where it should be – we have so far to go. But we aren’t back at the beginning either. Ever since my divorce I’ve learned more about Grace and Mercy than I ever did as a “perfect Christian”. I have found that it is okay to question my faith – and question the Creator. He can handle it. I’ve learned that I don’t have to be perfect… and my struggle to do so is fleeting because the perfection was already obtained by the only One that really COULD.

I began to hear “grace” talked about more & more. And it was spoken with a different tone than it had when I was younger. I honestly don’t know how I found it but I ran across a blog by a man named Pete Wilson. He’s a pastor of a church called CrossPoint. I’ve always enjoyed listening to sermons online so I checked his out. The message was so contrary to what I was use to hearing (hellfire-brimstone). I was leery of the “ear-tickling gospel” so I didn’t attend the church, but only listened online. That way if I disagreed, I could simply turn it off & never go back - instead of leaving a church (as Ive done so many times before). Long story short (ha), I listened online for 2 years. I found myself checking the site every Monday morning for the latest sermon. During that time, Danny and I also began attending a church in Murfreesboro. I was getting back into my walk with the Lord, but “relationship” was still at arm’s length. I knew God had me on probation since I’d already messed up so much before…(legalism)

Today, I listened to a podcast by a DJ in Nashville named Brant. He was quoting Galatians 5 and encouraging the listeners to read the book. What stood out to me most was the freedom. I am truly free. I am free to love the One that created me – and He loves me for who I am. He loves me as much today as He did when I committed my worst sin. He doesn’t love me less because I’m imperfect. And He wouldn’t love me “more” if I was. He isn’t angry with me because I messed it up and can’t get right on my own. He knew it… He knew before I was born that I wasn’t going to be able to make it so, He made a way to be with me forever. I don’t have to follow a strict set of rules and guidelines – I just have to love Him. If I do that, the rest will fall into place. I don’t have to worry about getting it right, I just have to love. Because I am free. He doesn’t expect me to subject my life to a list of rules & law that I can never keep – because He’s already vanquished that. Now – all I have to do is be thankful that He did, and show my gratitude by loving Him and others.

I never knew that I’d be re-introduced to the One I thought I knew almost all my life… but, I have been. And I think I will continue being. As many times as it takes… for me to get into my thick skull that it isn’t about me, it isn’t about the approval of others, it isn’t because I’m good enough, it isn’t because … it isn’t because of me at all. It’s about Him. And His goodness, Mercy and Grace. And today, I am so thankful for the reminder that …I am free.

Until then…