Slobberin’ Sunday

I am a multi-taker.

I also feel as though I may have a moderately severe small dose of ADD/ADHD.

I believe God knows this about me.

I also believe that He is beginning to do things in my life again.

“Did He stop??” you may ask… Well, of course not, silly. What kind of question is that.
I’m just to the point that I’m starting to recognize that again. I am starting to see His hand once again.

I’ve noticed that He’s digging around in my heart. That’s not a pretty thing. It’s a wreck in there y’all. I don’t many people see it. I like to confess that I live my life as transparent, and I’m an open-book but there are only a very FEW people that know those ug-lee parts of my inner-most. You know , the part covered with guilt & shame. Nasty little demons that like to jump out and remind me what a terrible person I really am.

Well, we hear God is a gentleman (he’s not going to force His way into your life, but He’s always waiting to help – wanting you to give it up!) but I also wonder how much He thinks I can handle, seemingly all at once. It seems like He’s multi-tasking, too. He’s got about 5 different things He’s wanting me to work on right now:

Loving myself

Loving my husband/children better

Showing grace/mercy FIRST, instead of judgment

Drawing nearer to Him

Letting go of my PRIDE.

Can He pick ONE of those and let me focus on THAT?... I mean, I know I’m not one to tell HIM how to run this dog & pony show but -- I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed.

I struggle with perfection. I think I’ve mentioned that before… I want to wake up in the morning with a smile on my face everyday… greet my husband and kids with a kiss… stroll downstairs & make them a hot meal, lay out their freshly-ironed clothes, … You get the picture. I honestly want those things.

I also want to be the perfect picture of Christ for others… I have a tattoo on my back of Matthew 5:16 to help me remember what I’m supposed to be doing in this life. I want to walk by people and have them wonder what it is that I’ve got that makes me so happy. I want to radiate HIM so much that when I open my mouth to speak, people think “Wow, I’ve got to know this Jesus fella’ she’s talkin’ about”.

Instead – I most of the time get up late every morning because I’m so tired. I don’t even make breakfast during the week anymore – Danny takes the kids downstairs for cereal while I wake up in the shower. Two days a week I yell at the kids because they’re fighting during the morning routine – or not getting ready – or fighting me on their outfit – etc.

Then, I get to work and my interactions with my co-workers involve gossip, being frustrated with the monotony, irritation with the technical “support” we get … so by the end of the day… I’m flat-out a bitch. There’s nothing “holy” about that.

So, over the past few weeks, I have felt the urge. When I pop off at work, I’ve started to feel regret. I had these feelings long ago but suppressed them. I’ve been ever-so-softly reminded that dropping F-bombs isn’t going to display “the Light of the World” to anyone…

But this time, it’s different than before. I’m learning that God doesn’t want to change me by shame. He’s wanting me to want to change… and He’ll do the rest. The guilt/shame isn’t from Him… all He wants is my heart. There is so much more grace … I really feel that “perfection” isn’t going to happen this time. Last time, I tried. Hard. And I failed. Hard.

This past Sunday at CrossPoint, Justin Davis led a message in the Empty Promises series. This series has REALLY stirred me… It makes you come face-to-face with what you rely on in life… and whether or not it’s truly Jesus, or if it is your money, pride, success, appearance.

As I was saying, this past Sunday, Justin led a message about your “looks”, and how heavily you focus on them. I affectionately refer to this past Sunday as “Slobberin’ Sunday”. From the moment the worship music began, until the very end when we were walking out – I was in tears. Sometimes, I was ACHING I cried so hard… because I realize… that I have been using my self-esteem to measure my self-worth. Justin said that your self-worth is laid out by the Lord and was done so before the foundations of the Earth. Your self-esteem is driven by what is around you: people, magazines, media, spouses, parents, environmental influences, etc.

My self-esteem is conditional. My self-worth is not.

I have always battled my self-esteem. It kicks my butt all the time. It tells me how worthless I am. It points out the dents (aka – God’s fingerprints) in my thighs. It laughs at my stringy hair. It scoffs at my love-handles. It points at the stretch marks on my stomach and says “Girl, if you EVER think someone is going to love that…you’re crazy”.
My self-esteem says “How could he “really” love you?”
My self-esteem has prompted me to tell people “When you really get to know me – you’ll hate me and leave”.
My self-esteem says “Girl, do you have another chin hair?! You are going to look like hell when you get older”

My self-esteem is brutal. It doesn’t match my self-worth.

My self-worth says “You are a child of the King. He sings over you! You are fearfully and WONDERFULLY made, girl… Do you know that He knit you together in your mother’s womb?? That He saw EXACTLY what you were going to do, who you were going to be, the lies you were going to tell, the mistakes you were going to make? … and He loved you ANYWAY. He still climbed up on that cross & took those nails because He wants to spend forever with YOU… He looks at those thighs, that hair (yes, even the rogue ones on your chin), your love handles, those lines on your belly and He says “Perfect”. Because He sees you thru Christ…and thru Him, You are PERFECT. Stop trying to be everything you’re not…and just be you. ‘Cause that’s who you were created to be. No more, no less.”

And my self-worth continues: “OF course HE loves you. Even if they all walk away… God won’t. So why do you fear that? He sees ALL of your flaws. You know, the ones you still think no one notices… He knows it. And that doesn’t change His love for you ONE – OUNCE. You can’t do ANYTHING to change His love for you. You didn’t feel the love from your parents and from others in your life …not like you wanted. You felt like you had to be perfect to be loved – but you don’t. You just have to realize WHO – YOU – ARE. And know that He cannot love you more than He already does. You can’t mess it up. So stop trying to be perfect. You are. So all that nasty sin YOU remember – you know that whole “East is from the West” thing – right? Yeah, that’s real. Let it go girl. He did.”

So. My self-worth is pretty amazing, eh? But my self-esteem is the polar opposite of that. SO… my challenge is to get those two things to match up.

Until then…