Hard (but honest) Feelings

A letter I will never send.

You know, I think if I'm 100% honest with myself - and with you - I hate you. I don't WANT to hate you, I have TRIED to like you, I have TRIED to make it work ... Tried to build bridges but now, I'm out of bridge-building-supplies. I'm fed up with you making it harder. I'm fed up with your nasty glances and your "holier than thou" attitude. I hate that you get under my skin and I hate that I let you.
I hate how my heart races when I know we're going to be near each other because I know I'll be sizing you up - and you'll be sizing me up. I secretly wait for the day that you say something... something that will push me over the edge. That moment I fear I'll forget others are looking, that my kids are there, and I'll completely let you know all the junk inside my heart. It'll spew out of my mouth and all over you. I've pictured your face when I do. I've imagined you coming back with pitiful words that will cause me to hit you. I've imagined punching your face again & again and taking out my frustration, anger and rage on you.

But - all of this hate inside me is sin. All of those thoughts I have toward you are keeping me from the Lord. I've prayed and asked Him to help my heart. To heal my heart AND yours. We don't have to be friends but civility is all I ask. A simple "Hi" is better than the sarcastic sneer you cast.

And again, if I'm honest, I hate that I hate you. I hate what it does to me spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally. I hate what it does to the others involved. I hate how crazy it makes me feel. I also hate that when you do something I deem stupid/spiteful/hateful, it validates my feelings of hate toward you and I feel justified in my rage. I hate that absolutely everything you do irritates me. And - I hate that you'll never go away.

And I hate that I can't fix it. I hate that I've prayed for 4 years for God to fix me...to fix you...and it just seems to get worse. And what I know for sure is - not only will you always be there, but I'll be seeing you more regularly in the years to come. And what will that do to our relationship? I've reached out, I've tried. When is this going to end? Will it ever? Am I bound to these feelings the rest of my life?
No doubt a closer walk with the Lord would rid me of them. The tattoo on my right wrist begs me to extend to you grace ...and I feel that I have. I do have to remember that grace doesn't end. That's the part where I have to remain closer to the Lord... so He can fill me up, and I can pour it out on you. I have no grace for you... but I know He does. I know He loves you - and commands me to love you too - that's why these contrary feelings in me must die.

So to you, I humbly apologize. I'm sorry that I hate you. And though you don't care an ounce, I am working to change that. Not only to better myself, but to make sure I am the vessel He needs me to be, so I can extend His grace to you.

Until then...